Renegotiating trauma- unhelpful relational patterns in your life.

A sad reality in my practice is that many clients repeatedly realize that they end up in bad relationships. 5 years ago, I worked with a 32-year-old woman who was so frustrated with herself that she kept “going for the wrong guys”. She couldn’t understand why she didn’t see any of the red flags in her past 3 romantic relationships. In our weekly counseling sessions, she was working on breaking toxic relationship patterns wherein her former partners would gaslight her, abuse her, push/disrespect her boundaries, and make her feel like she was not good enough. It was heartbreaking to watch her feel so helpless and also angry with herself.

As a therapist trained in clinical trauma, somatic approaches to healing, and feminist issues in mental health, I recognized that the client felt stuck in an early childhood relational pattern. She kept repeating a trauma relationship she had with her mother as a child in her adult romantic relationships. When probed further in therapy, she disclosed that her mother often made her feel unworthy, ugly, foolish, and “crazy”. She had vivid memories of being “not good enough” in her mother’s eyes, even as a young 4-year-old girl. As she narrated these stories, the pain was so strong. I could almost see and touch this unhealed wound in the room, a purple pulsing wound that had not soothed despite all the years.

Why do we engage in repetition of relational patterns, especially when it comes to difficult relationships? One possible explanation is that when an event, or series of events overwhelm us, and go beyond the imagination of our young minds, an emotional part of our brain is overstimulated, and shocked. Such an event, like the unexpected and repeated rejection by a parent, can freeze us down in that moment leaving us confused, shocked, and uncertain. Our young brains are unable to comprehend the complex and often toxic behaviors of the adults around us. So, in an attempt to make sense of it as adults, we keep trying out those patterns in other relationships. In other words, we may unintentionally seek out similar attachment figures in the hope of resolving the trauma and making sense of it at least this time!

The sad reality is, the search for meaning and understanding of our trauma cannot be external to our bodies. Our issues are in our tissues, meaning our body stores the trauma, and thus the healing must be located in our inner self. Thus, we must learn to offer the acceptance, kindness, celebration, and playfulness that we hungrily yearn for in our relationships.

When we worked through this attachment hurt for my client, she was able to make a genuine and affectionate connection with the hurt 4-year-old version of herself, and offer herself the joy that she had been searching outside for over a decade. When this healing began, client shared that she was automatically able to see the relationships for what they are, and not what she wanted them to be. She was able to find joy within and outside of herself!

The pain you may feel as you recognize your trauma relationships is normal, valid, and real. Without working on it with a professional, you may not be able to truly move past the hurt in a meaningful way. If you would like to know more about early attachment trauma and how this may impact your mental health, reach out to me at info@soulfulnesscounseling.com