How to tackle long-term chronic loneliness

Many of us have felt alone at some point in our lives. The recent pandemic may be helpful in reflecting on our own experiences of loneliness either during quarantine, or being unable to travel to see friends and family. Loneliness is normal and valid part of our lives as human beings and serves as very helpful evolutionary reminder for us to reach out, connect, and socialize.

In my consultation with qualified therapists in Hillsboro and Beaverton area, I am recognizing a slightly different and concerning phenomenon. I call this phenomenon deep loneliness.

About two years, right at the cusp of the COVID-19 pandemic, I was working with two very different clients. One was a 55-year-old woman who lived by herself, and wanted to work on her anxiety symptoms. Another client was a 21 year old gender fluid individual who was looking to process their gender identity. While their presenting concerns, developmental milestones, mental health needs, and expectations from a culturally sensitive therapist were very different, they had something strikingly in common. They both experienced a sense of loneliness that permeated beyond superficial meet up events, phone calls with long lost friends, group calls on Zoom and checking on Snapchat or Tiktok stories. Their experiences of loneliness were not sated by these orchestrated, time bound interactions with some very well-intentioned community members. They were yearning for deeper connection wherein they could genuinely be their full selves, including their sense of humor, political beliefs, family history, and so on.

Unfortunately, many more clients starting coming in to discuss their experiences that fit my working definition of deep loneliness, which is

• An intense sense of isolation
• That can be countered by long lasting, mutual, and genuine relationships
• But the depth, quality, and effort were rarely reciprocated by members in the community
• Resulting in a heightened sense of isolation

I will admit, I am not a public health specialist by any means, and the exact causality, and analysis of this trend must be thoroughly examined by experts in the field such as sociologists, psychologists, and counselor educators. But as a community-based practitioner, it tells me something when 2 in 3 clients report these experiences over the course of not months but years.

At present, I don’t know of a solution to this, but I recognize that deep loneliness can be so harmful for us. We know that those of us who experience positive relationships tend to have better mental health, longer life, and overall better health outcomes. Have you experienced deep loneliness? How are you navigating it? Let’s talk more at info@soulfulnesscounseling.com