Intimate Partner Violence in the Indian Community

I am yet to know of an Indian origin individual who has not known (directly or indirectly) intimate partner violence (IPV). Intimate partner violence refers to verbal, sexual, financial, physical, and/or psychological violence aimed towards one’s intimate partner, irrespective of the marital status of the individuals involved in the relationship. 

I was only 3 years old when I witnessed my first instance of intimate partner violence, and it is not shocking to say that until my late twenties, I truly believed that violence was a normal and common part of any adult relationship. That was all that I had witnessed, after all. 

Unfortunately, it is all too common in the Asian Indian community in the U.S., with an added layer of immigration based fears for those who are non-citizens. When you notice a loved one in IPV, here are a few things you can do to help them.

  1. Communicate your concern: While it is a strong cultural value for many Indian communities to not raise difficult conversations, you can help in breaking the silence when you notice red flags/concerning signs. Tell your loved one that you care about them, and that you are worried about their safety in the relationship. Name the specific concerns you are seeing, and communicate your care in a non-judgmental way. Remember, by initiating this conversation you may be the first one who helps this individual see the red flags.
  2. Create a safe space: It can feel very tempting to create an extreme sense of urgency while you discuss the issue. While IPV absolutely is an urgent issue, one cannot make decisions for other adults. Instead, try to offer a compassionate, patient, and non-judgmental space where the focus remains on the victim/survivor and not on your own anxiety and fears. This space is for them.
  3. Offer: Offer options of help that you can genuinely fulfill. This could be a self-care lunch at your home where the victim/survivor has a chance to lower their defenses for a moment and relax. You could offer to pick up the kids from school if the person is having an especially challenging day. Don’t take it personally if the person refuses all offers of your help. It is not personal, and try to understand that there can be a lot of shame and fear in asking for help. Again, this is not about you. It could simply be a trauma symptom.
  4. Learn: While you wait for your loved one to make the decisions that best serve their wellbeing, you can enhance your knowledge of IPV. There are plenty of local and national resources available.
  5. Care for yourself: Although you may see yourself as the helper here, it is possible that you need some help too, which is okay! Memories of IPV from your own life may also surface up as you try to help this individual. You may realize that you have been a victim of IPV in the past but never realized it! This is very common, and completely understandable. Extending compassion to yourself, and seeking mental health counseling can be immensely helpful!
  6. Several important helplines are available. These include Deserted Indian Women Helpline Number– 782-717-0170 (USA), Sakhi, Narika and National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799- 7233 Share them. 

    While our culture has many beautiful and valuable aspects to offer, IPV has somehow become a normalized part of Indian patriarchy. Many people, especially women are taught to suffer in silence, and focus on the “positives” in the relationship. Remember, IPV is never okay, no matter the circumstances. You deserve to be in a healthy, and safe relationship. If you think you may be experiencing IPV, please refer to the resources listed above.