One of the most obvious symptoms of psychological and attachment trauma in my adult clients is rigid preference to engage in solely self-regulation, or calming our anxiety on our own, using our internal resources such as breath work, or meditation. 

Self regulation is to the ability to acknowledge, understand, and manage our emotions on our own, relying on our mind and body’s capacity to self-soothe. Co-regulation, on the other hand, refers to finding reassurance and comfort in the face of a difficult situation through the support of another person/s. The relationship with another person acts as a healing method to manage our difficult emotions. 

Clients who have experienced trauma for long years have somehow been taught that they simply shouldn’t rely on anyone for support. They have been given the message that asking for help, support, and saying “I need help” are signs of weakness or being “too much”. Over time, these individuals learn that co-regulation is not an option for them. That leaves only self-regulation. So, through much pain and punishment, they learn that they must rely on themselves no matter how scary and overwhelming the situation gets. Asking for help is impossible, or dangerous, or both. 

Sadly, our society celebrates individualism. We all are seen as strong and powerful when we engage in self-regulation and never ask for help. This goes against who we are as humans. Human beings desperately need connection with one another to feel safe, supported, and alive! To not have that is rarely a fulfilling life. Asking for help, forming trusting relationships is necessary for our emotional health.

I often hear statements like

1. I love offering help to others, but cannot ask for help.
2. People cannot be trusted. It is better I handle this on my own.
3. People are not reliable. They leave. Nobody really stays forever. 
4. I am an independent person. I don’t like to ask for help ever. 

While some degree of self-regulation is important to become a functioning adult, children must develop a foundation of co-regulation. We must teach our younger self that it is completely okay to ask for help. At Soulfulness Counseling in Oregon, I offer resources to individuals, especially Desi individuals as we seek to heal our relationship hurts and learn to connect back with our loved ones. 

Check out my Psychology today profile here!