How to be more mindful in relationships

One of the most challenging things I experience as a therapist is when I know that a client needs self-care, but have no time for it. A particular client comes to my mind when I think about this. A mid-twenties nursing student, who was recently engaged, a future step-mom for two young children, and was planning to buy her first house! It felt tone-deaf for me to suggest long hours of hiking or time at the gym, even when we both agreed that that is exactly what she needed to manage her intense and prolonged levels of stress.

It has been about 6 years since that client and I have come to acknowledge that self-care, especially mindful presence can be achieved in a creative way. While having about 3-4 hours of self-care a week may be typical (actual numbers may vary for each one of us, depending on our circumstances), it may be unrealistic for many of us who carry numerous life roles. Below, I offer 5 tips, to help you be mindfully present, even when you are very busy.

1. Pair it: It may be difficult to carve out separate time for self-care. Try pairing it with an activity that is already a part of your life. The more mundane it is, the better! For example, you could pair a moment to slow down and exhale when you are taking your shoes off after returning from work. You could try doing it as intentionally and slowly as possible, and try to savor each micro-moment of the process. Given that you are likely to take off your shoes at some point every day, this may not feel like an additional task!
2. Micro-moments: Mindful presence does not have to be long practices. Between your meetings or tasks, encourage yourself to close your eyes for 30 seconds to a minute. You may choose to massage your jaws, or your eyebrows during this micro-moment. Use a timer if you need.
3. Anchor points: When we are running between work related tasks, household chores, and staying in touch with friends, it can feel like the whole week went by and you didn’t even realize. Anchor points are specific tasks you do at a specific time or a day. This could taco night, or movie night, evening walks, or even a laundry day. When you are engaging in the anchor point, allow yourself to notice the different aspects of the anchor point event (e.g., scooping out more guac for your taco salad, the sound of water gushing in your washer as you turn it on). While you may engage in these activities anyway, viewing them as anchors that become ritualized to certain times or days can help us reconnect with time. Plan at least one anchor point in your week, to help you reconnect.
4. Water: while I am not an MD, I do know that almost all of my friends and family members struggle with drinking enough water. It can be difficult to focus on a task if our body is not cared for. Depending on your preference, keep multiple bottles of water around you, at different spots in the house. That way, there are visual reminders to help you to drink. For instance, one of my client has her 10 year old’s chore as ensuring there is a 30 oz bottle in every room, kitchen and living room in the house.
5. Reminders: This may be a common one, especially for those who use health apps. Set reminders (3-4 times a day) to check with your tension point in your body. For instance, one of my clients, as she worked from home during the pandemic, set an alarm for 8 am, 10 am, 2 pm and 4 pm to remind herself to relax her shoulders for 30 seconds. Over time, your body begins to monitor for tension on its own.

Although these tips sound simplistic, I want to acknowledge that the busy lives we lead can make even some of these (or ALL!!) sound impossible and unrealistic. The most important aspect of mindful presence s to return to your current self without judgment. I believe you when you say your life is messy. But if there is half a step towards your mindful presence that you can take today, what could it be?