Stepping out of our parents’ shadow: Imago work

When I work with Desi, and other South Asian communities, it is very clear to me that our parents play/ed an important role in shaping who we are- be it in a helpful way or otherwise. Coming from a collectivistic culture, instances where parents offer unsolicited advice to their adult children, make comments about their profession/career without truly understanding it, insult their children in front of outsiders, and other moments of deep shame and humiliation is familiar to me. I have heard stories wherein our parents’ fixed ideas about who we are and how we should navigate life has a dramatic impact on our wellbeing. Thus, stepping out of our parents’ shadows can be extremely painful, challenging, and can even invite grief. 

At times, parents’ unfulfilled personal grief and desires (which could be a result of their own parents pushing boundaries with them) are imposed or placed on our shoulders as responsibilities or legacies to carry forward. For example, it can be very frustrating to be told repeatedly by one’s parents to pursue a career in medicine instead of your passion in creative writing! On digging deeper, we may find out that the mother wanted to be a doctor herself, but her dreams were cut short when she was compelled to get married at a young age. 

Imago refers to the image of parents that we all carry within ourselves. It is subjective, and its power lies in the stories about parents that play in our mind (consciously or otherwise) that strongly shape our decisions. Many of us have rarely thought about what images of our parents we carry. We may know at a surface level how we feel about them, but may not have truly reflected on it for a while. 

While having a balanced imago is a sign of healthy development, many of us tend to lean towards an extreme. 

Overly positive imago: Many of us, especially due to cultural reasons within the Indian context have been taught to view our parents only in excessively positive light, focussing on their sacrifices, and struggles in raising us. While this is absolutely true, having an overly positive and rigid imago of our parents can prevent us from truly acknowledging the hurt and pain we may have experienced in the relationship. It is important to ask oneself, do I have permission to explore and talk about the difficult aspects of my relationship with my parents? Are such thoughts immediately followed by guilt, shock, and judgment within me? This reflection can help us identify the expectations we have of ourselves. 

Overly negative imago: For various reasons, we may have a very negative and unforgiving imago of our parent/s, viewing them as solely responsible for all the pain and suffering. Again, this could be true for many of us, especially within South East Asian cultures where parents play a huge role. However, asking questions like are there any qualities I admire in my parents, or is there anything my parents have done for me that I am thankful for could help us begin to see the picture in a less binary way. The purpose of these questions is to notice what reactions you are having in your body when you encourage yourself to view your parents in a different way. 

While we all have some form of imago, a healthy imago is when:

1. There is flexibility. You are able to rewrite how you view and see your parents in your mind and break free from the trauma
2. You are able to appreciate that our images of our parents need not be all or nothing. They can and often are very complex with shades of positivity and negativity. 
3. You recognize that you are not your imago. You don’t need to follow your parents dreams, demands, and expectations if you don’t want to. You can separate yourself from the image and renegotiate your own trauma story. 

Here is a free worksheet for you to explore your imago! Read more about the evidence supporting imago work