Common Trauma History Traits

Trauma history can show up in unique ways for each one of us, but there are some common characteristics that many of may display. A knowledge of these traits can help us identify symptoms within us and seek appropriate care and help from professionals and community members. 

1. An automatic and compulsive focus on what others want or need, especially at an emotional level: Many people with significant trauma backgrounds can have people pleasing tendencies, or a need to constantly make others happy. These individuals may also feel responsible for others’ happiness. Unfortunately, our society can celebrate these behaviors as “love”, “affection”, or “care” (especially for Black and Brown mothers, and women in general), but in reality, an unstoppable desire to take care of others is often a reflection of our insecurities and unfulfilled emotional pains. 

2. Overidentification with duty, rules, and role: A client I worked with had been stuck in an unhappy marriage for 10 years but couldn’t imagine ending the relationship. Rules such as “marriage is for a lifetime”, “I made a promise” were so inflexible for this person that staying in a challenging relationship was an easier choice, according to the client. A rigid attachment to rules, roles, and duty can provide a temporary sense of stability and anchor points for traumatized individuals. It can make us feel as though we have something to hold on to. But human lives are complex and cannot be reduced to simplified and absolute rules. Flexibility in relationships is often a mark of a healthy mind and body. 

3. Repression of healthy anger: Constant “Niceness” seems to be a perfect way to describe some individuals with severe trauma history, especially for women as they are socialized into caretaking roles. These individuals were probably never allowed to express even justified anger as children, and maybe even punished until they presented a “nice” behavior (e.g., quiet, passive, agreeable). These learned patterns can continue into adulthood where anger is completely unacceptable and passive aggressive options such as avoiding communication, humor, and snarky comments are used to express hurt. 

4. Hyper-autonomy: As an Indian practitioner in the U.S. I am often shocked by how much hyper-individualism is rewarded here in the U.S. Hyper-autonomy is often a trauma indication wherein a child may have learned that it is rarely safe to ask for help and even if it were safe, the help was unreliable. This symptom may present as overly self-sufficient individuals in adulthood who avoid vulnerability by avoiding asking for help, even during extremely challenging times. As a society we may further reward these behaviors by calling them “strong”, “independent”, but these behaviors are often built on tragic childhood history. 

Last word: This is not an exhaustive list and avoid labeling others’ as traumatized without their consent. Trauma journey is a deeply personal one, and we cannot force anyone into it. If you feel you have a strong trauma history, I personally encourage you to ask for professional help. Friends and family enhance and enhance therapy, but not entirely replace it.